My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
