escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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