I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
