I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
