I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
