proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
ttyl tear gas
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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