He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
