what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
