Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
