yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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