Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
