That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
