First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just blew my weed a kiss
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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