dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
