Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Floor bacon is actually really good
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
