I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
