I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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