That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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