mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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