There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
