We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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