Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
