i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
