I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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