god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
