can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
