also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
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I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
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I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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