I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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