Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
