there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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