my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
