Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
