Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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