this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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