Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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