I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The feeling are messing with the penis
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
