remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
