I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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