eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
