There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
