I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
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what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
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I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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