there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
