Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
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you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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