my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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