My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
