Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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