I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
