i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
