My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
