What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize