she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
