dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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