dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
