they said they heard you say put it in my butt
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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