Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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