i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
