theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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